The title of this post was from Hwasa's song that is booming. Because even if it's a good bye, it is a good one. No regrets, just thankfulness for whatever God gave me.
I got the prompt from instagram to reflect on how this year was. I'll share it here so that I can read it again later as memories.
Where you are now?
Where you are now?
What this year has been like. Key moments, emotions, and themes.
Physically, I'm now staying in Seoul, South Korea. A country that has been my lifelong dream. Living my life as a master's student. Navigating how life works while being a minority.
Physically, I'm now staying in Seoul, South Korea. A country that has been my lifelong dream. Living my life as a master's student. Navigating how life works while being a minority.
It was a rollercoaster journey and it still is. During my stay here, I got a counseling session for my....anxiety? Basically I felt like I had impostor syndrome. I keep questioning myself if I deserve to be here. If I can adapt with everything unfamiliar. If I can survive. I had zero confidence in myself in the beginning.
I can say that because I understand my classmates come from excellent backgrounds. Some of them even already have master's degrees. International experience. Meanwhile, I was at my lowest point. And not someone excellent but someone who wanted to run away.
As my psychologist said, I have to be fair in judgment. When it comes to academics, we can see it from the grades. What do my grades said? Well, from a maximum GPA 4.3 this semester I snatched 4.1 :') just exactly what I hoped, prayed, and worked for. This result really boosted my confidence. It proves that my worries are baseless. That I can do all the hard work as long as I put my focus and faith into it.
What you’ve learned
Lessons about yourself, your relationships, your work, and your needs.
I always yap about how I am introverted and now I still am. I can hang around a group but after some time my energy will be depleted. I become quiet and my brain stops functioning. At that time, I might seem indifferent.
Lessons about yourself, your relationships, your work, and your needs.
I always yap about how I am introverted and now I still am. I can hang around a group but after some time my energy will be depleted. I become quiet and my brain stops functioning. At that time, I might seem indifferent.
Being put in a new environment, I tried my best to keep up with the talking and conversation. It really is challenging, especially when a new language is required. Even so, I think I made quite an effort. And now I hear people add "smiley" after my name. While, back in Indonesia, I was always labeled quiet. I guess this depends on what kind of surrounding I am in.
Relationships? As I got further away from my family and best friends, of course, it changed a little. I am used to it, anyway. What I can do is try to be as active and connected as possible, either through personal chat or social media.
On the other hand, I gained so many new relationships. My roommate, classmates, crush, Indonesian diaspora. It is all exciting. Never in my life did I expect to get sooo many new acquaintances at this age. It broadened my mind. How the world is such a complicated one. I see sides that I never thought of before. Thus, all of this made me less judgmental of others. We never know the complete story of their life.
That resulted in me trying to be as kind as possible and not wanting to create trouble for human beings in their entirety.
Work? I don't want to talk about it here because.....so many things break my heart :') I just hope that God gives me strength to face this type of test.
Finally, about my needs. What I realized is that while my classmates are starting to buy stuff like gadgets and clothes, I tend to use my money for concerts, food, and traveling. I can say I'm the least well-dressed among them. LOL.
It doesn't bother me as I fully understand that we have different needs and priorities. For me, staying sane by buying and doing something I like is at the top of my list. Here, I bought sooo many items related to fangirling activities, and that makes me happy :)
What you’re proud of
Small and big things. Effort matters, not only outcomes.
Being able to get good grades, trying new things alone, and showing my resilience. That's what I'm proud of. Lately, since KOICA is also opening for a new batch, some applicants reached out to me to discuss some things. In that moment, I felt like my existence itself has a meaning.
The feeling of being able to help others even with the smallest thing and effort—that, I'm proud of.
What you’re letting go of
Habits, beliefs, fears, or expectations that no longer serve you
This will be quite deep because it's regarding my beliefs. Living as a minority, to be honest, I cannot practice all the things that I used to do easily back in Indonesia. For a few months, I felt like I sinned. That God will get angry and punish me.
And then I found enlightenment that our efforts also count. Living as a majority gave me sooo many things I took for granted. Clean prayer rooms, easy access to halal-certified food, anything. Now I have to double or even triple the effort to do that. The key is that I used to live in comfort as a Muslim. Now I have to create my own comfort. It is challenging indeed. However, God always knows our intentions.
At the end of the day, I can only pray desperately for God to always love me, bless me, and give me guidance.
What you wish for your future self
How you hope to feel, live, and relate to yourself and others
To be honest, with the situation in my home country, it is hard to dream of a better future. Maybe I will do something bigger than now to build the life I want. What I have to remind myself is: wherever I am, whatever condition I am put in, I pray to always get strength, not to lose faith, and to find peacefulness.
A gentle message to yourself
Support, reassurance, or a reminder you may need to read later.
Hi from your past. To be at this point in life, to have ticked off one of your biggest dreams, I'm so proud of you. You proved to yourself that you can do everything once you set your mind to it. And of course, by Allah's will. Try to be kind and gentle to yourself. Keep the positive mindset. Stop being so harsh and judgmental toward yourself. You are precious. You are loved. You are good as you are now.
Stop worrying about the future. Stop chasing things that you cannot hold. Try to enjoy the moment you are living in right now. Life is beautiful when you know how to enjoy it. Cheers to another precious time to live~
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