Saturday, September 05, 2020

Yang Kita Rasakan

 Bagian menyiksa dari pandemi ternyata terbatasnya akses bersosialisasi. Look at me. Aku mendapatkan jatah kerja di kantor hanya 2 dari 5 hari kerja. Selama WFH nggak banyak ngomong dengan anak kos. Sungguh keinginanku untuk ngobrol panjang lebar harus dipendam.

Aku harus mengakui mulai muncul perasaan kesepian yang menggerogoti. And that night a friend of mine asked if it's okay for her to call. Maybe she read my signal :') I dunno how to describe our relationship. We're closed enough yet still having some boundaries. We talked a lot while keeping our burden.

I'll probably talk about my relation to people later *kalo inget* *kalo ga males* hahaha

When I talked about my hardship, she revealed she had the same way a year ago. She even tried self-harm. Luckly she didn't. Half of me surprised slash dumbfounded. And the other thought, "Ah, is it normal to feel this way?" since I also have some dark thoughts nowadays.

Ternyata yang damaged bukan hanya aku. Ni orang keliatannya hepi aja. I can say financially secure, family also looked lovely from outside. Yang kayak gini pun pernah seterpuruk itu. Of course I didn't ask what actually the problem is.

This made me thinking. What is wrong with us? What made us this way? Apa iya ini tergolong "norma" dalam fase quarter life crisis? Ya seyuyurnya aku bingung dan belum menemukan jawabannya sampai sekarang. Bisa jadi aku sudah tau tapi denial. Atau aku memilih untuk lari dari penyebabnya. I'm a good runner btw *HEYYY*

Tapi nyatanya lelah, ya. Do you ever felt this "dark"? How to deal with it?

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